The Eyes Speaks the Truth

He loves me, he said it over and over again. 

I am not convinced because I feel different.
I can't explain it. 

I want to believe every single word he would say but his eyes spoke more than what his mouth utters. We talked about the future, how it would look like and all the happiness we will experience if we will be together; if I will choose him.

How can I believe him when at the beginning of the relationship he talks about that girl who has caused him great pain?

 He talks about the past too often and has been comparing me to her. 

I can feel his pain and obviously he can't get over her. 

I told him so many things mostly ugly things about me so that he will give up on me. 

He said he can handle it but I never realised he is just using me as a cover up for his pain.

He simply won't give up on me he said.
I then believed him.
I made myself believe he is the better choice.

He unconsciously used me to show the world that he has become a better man. 

To show them that a woman of high standards will love him for what he is. 

To show her that she's just an ordinary person and that he is better off without her.

I have directed him on his dreams, regardless the stubbornness in him.
I know I have my own faults but my doubt is much stronger than the love I have for him.
The way he looks at her even when he's with me, I can see eachother's longing, the pain and the love they have shared. 

My intuition cannot be lied at. It tells me to let go.
Move on. 

To go and claim my own glory. 

The weakness of the flesh is much stronger than my dominant brain. 

I have given him the keys to my iron doors. 

I was just waiting for him to realize the truth on what I've said to him that he can't move on yet from his past.

It all got intense.
From emotional pain now physical pain. 

He is slowly becoming a monster.
I too became a monster.

He is not the same as before and he blamed it all on me for changing him that way. 

He chose to become a monster.
I've let myself transform into a monster.

I never dragged him to his transformation.

Or has it been there in him for a long time, just dormant? 

I looked back on what is proper and what is not. 

It made me realize that the wait is over, that he is slowly fading away. 

The dream is over or was it a nightmare? 

Finally its over. 

I am standing again, looking back on what has gone wrong and what could have been prevented. 

The what ifs and if onlys are piercing me one by one. 

I am left marred, partly broken but stronger than before.

I've been unclothed, naked with shame and was broken. 

But now, I am slowly putting back my iron clothes on. 

No more tears to flood my eyes and my heart. 

I've wasted so much time for something which is not and will never be mine.
I was so disappointed.

From this day on, I will be numb; numb for those who have treated me unfairly. 

But I will still have a heart for those who truly deserves me. 

I have died so many times in the game of love but now the pain has resurrected me. 

I am much wiser now.

- R -